Spoof About The Patriot
by Colonel-Tavington's-Lady
Summary: Just a little spoof about one of my favourite movie... enjoy it! NOTE: there's offensive language, but no sexual content. PART THREE IS UP!
1. Chairs, Silicone and Stars

disclaimer: yes, the same things we write every time! I don't own the Patriot or any of the characters, alas! (Well, actually "Lady" it's me, so SHE IS MINE, uahahahahhaah!) But Colonel Tavington and the others are not mine.  
  
The patriot  
  
PART ONE: CHAIRS, SILICONE AND STARS  
  
Mel: I've long feared... that my hunger would return to visit me... and the weight is more than I can bear...  
  
Ben's farm.  
  
Nathan: Look, post rider.  
  
Samuel: Who cares.  
  
Emmerich: Oh my.  
  
-Thomas arrives with Gabriel-  
  
Thomas: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!! POST RIDER!!!!!!!!!!  
  
-He runs forward trying to reach the horse-  
  
Horse: What a smart one, really.  
  
Post rider: Come on, horse! I don't wanna be reached by that idiot!  
  
Horse: You're right.  
  
-The horse speeds up-  
  
-Thomas falls in the grass-  
  
-Thomas dies-  
  
Emmerich: Cut!!! Thomas, you have to die later!  
  
Thomas: Ok, sorry.  
  
-Thomas reburns-  
  
-The horse reaches the porch where Margaret is teaching the alphabet to his brother William-  
  
Margaret, showing him an illustred card: What is it?  
  
William: An R, idiot. Do you really think that I don't even know the alphabet?  
  
Margaret: Oh, look. Post rider.  
  
William, sarcastically: What a wonderful news.  
  
-Abigale appears on the porch-  
  
Abigale: Hello. What an idiot and useless role I have, really.  
  
Post rider: And what am I supposed to say?  
  
Horse: And I, then?  
  
Abigale: Let's ask the director.  
  
Emmerich: Abigale, you have an important role. You are a slave and in the beginning of this film you're making bread. You feed Martin's family.  
  
Post rider: And what about me?  
  
Emmerich, nodding: Yeah, you're quite useless.  
  
Horse: Right, I won't ask anything.  
  
Emmerich: Shall we go on, then?  
  
Abigale: Ok. Hi post rider. What are you carrying?  
  
Post rider: You're quite smart, do you know? What do you think I'm carrying?  
  
Abigale: Post!! Yeah! Have I guessed?  
  
Post rider, rising his eyebrows: Take it.  
  
Abigale: Thank you!!! (Turd man)  
  
Post rider: Duty. (bitch)  
  
-Margaret reaches Abigale-  
  
Margaret: Oh, what is it? Post from Gabriel?  
  
Abigale: Gabriel in not at war yet. (stupid girl)  
  
Margaret: So, what Thomas is so excited about?  
  
Abigale: Don't ask me.  
  
-Thomas arrives, yelling-  
  
Thomas: POOOOOOOOOOOST RIDEEEEEEEEEER!!!!! LET ME LOOK INTO THE MAIL!!!!!!!  
  
-Gabriel arrives and enters the house as Thomas is reaching the mail-  
  
Gabriel: Thomas! Wait for father while I'm eating this piece of bread.  
  
Thomas: Why??? I wanna look into the post! That idiot of my father is building a chair! What I care about him??  
  
Abigale: Gabriel, watch out! The bread has just been into the oven!  
  
-Gabriel, as his tongue burns-  
  
Gabriel: Bitch! In your view is normal to leave the bread on the table when it's still hot??  
  
Abigale: And in yuor view, son of a bitch, it's normal to take a piece of bread when it's just been in the oven?  
  
Gabriel: I couldn't know that.  
  
Abigale: Next time don't eat.  
  
Gabriel: But I'm hungry!  
  
Abigale: God, save me please from the hungry masters.  
  
Gabriel: God, save me please from the stupid servants.  
  
Emmerich: God, save me please from the foolish actors.  
  
-Everyone turns to look the director-  
  
Emmerich: Sorry. (But I'm right)  
  
In the barn.  
  
Mel: Alright. World, look!! Look what a wonderful thing I have made! A chair!  
  
Susan: God, is really this desperate one my father?  
  
Mel: SUSAN! YOU'RE TALKING!  
  
Susan, shaking her head: ... (Fuck you)  
  
Mel: Alas. Well, let's try this beautiful chair.  
  
-Mel sits on the chair-  
  
-Mel falls-  
  
Mel, laughing: It works! It works perfectly!  
  
-Samuel and Nathan enter the barn-  
  
Samuel: Father! What are you doing on the floor?  
  
Mel: I'm testing my chair. My beautiful chair.  
  
Nathan: (Good heavens) Oh, good work.  
  
Mel: Have you two finished with the fields?  
  
Nathan: Oh, yes. Less than half than half than half.  
  
Mel: My good lads. I'm very proud of you.  
  
Nathan: (That's because you're stupid) We know, Father.  
  
Samuel: Come on, Nathan. Let's see what Thomas has found in the mail.  
  
Nathan: Don't you have any hobbies, Samuel?  
  
Mel: It works! It works! My chair is working!  
  
Susan: Please! Take me with you! I really don't want to stay here with this mad one!  
  
Mel: WHAT I'VE HEARD! YOU'RE TALKING!  
  
Susan, nodding her head: ... (Go to Hell)  
  
Mel, crying: Oh. Well, at least my chair works perfectly.  
  
-Susan sighs-  
  
In the garden.  
  
Mel: I was so intelligent to place my wife's tomb in my garden.  
  
Wife: Why have I married this one?  
  
Mel: My dear wife, I'm here to tell you something, because I know that you can hear me even if you're dead, and because God protects you, blah blah blah.  
  
Wife: Please, let me sleep!  
  
Mel: But the thing that I have to tell you is... Emmerich, smiling: This is a moment of great suspence. What a excellent director I am.  
  
Mel: Dear wife, I'm here to tell you...  
  
Wife: What??  
  
Emmerich: What??  
  
Mel: That my chair is working.  
  
Wife: Christ, please, let me reach the heaven without stay here anymore!  
  
Emmerich: Problems between wife and husband are frequent.  
  
Wife: Not when the wife is dead!  
  
Emmerich: Well, that's right.  
  
Mel: And my chair is working.  
  
Susan and Margaret's bedroom.  
  
Margaret: Look, Susan. There are stars in the sky.  
  
Susan: NOOOO!? REALLY??  
  
Margaret: Our mother is over there.  
  
Susan: Was our mother a star?  
  
Margaret: No, Susan. When people dies they become stars.  
  
Susan: I didn't knew. Are you sure?  
  
Margaret: Well, this is what was written on the script.  
  
-Mel enters the room and Susan stops immediately to speak-  
  
Mel: Hi, girls. What were you talking about?  
  
Margaret: Mother. I was explaining Susan that our mother is a star, now.  
  
Mel: I didn't knew. Margaret, how she can be a star if I talked to her this morning?  
  
Margaret: Have you talked to her?  
  
Mel: Yes. She was in her grave, as usual.  
  
Margaret: What have you talked about?  
  
Mel: Different things. I said that now that she's dead, she's protected by God, because she was a good woman, and an excellent wife... blah, blah, blah.  
  
-Susan and Margaret fall asleep-  
  
Mel: ... and then I said that my chair was working... Oh! You are asleep! Good girls, I'm so proud of you.  
  
Susan: (Mental, this one)  
  
Downstairs.  
  
Thomas: Gabriel, is useless that you try to pretend you're reading. Everyone knows that you can't read.  
  
Gabriel: Sot ap!  
  
Thomas: Oh, I forgot. Your tongue is still quite wounded, is it?  
  
Gabriel: Fuck ghyou.  
  
Thomas: Next time you'll permit me to open the mail.  
  
Gabriel: Fuck ghyou aghein.  
  
Thomas: Of course.  
  
-Mel enters the room-  
  
Mel: Ah, Gabriel! What are you reading?  
  
Gabriel: Uh, I dod't nouuw.  
  
Mel: Good. I'm very proud of you.  
  
Thomas: Can we open the mail, now?  
  
Mel: The what?  
  
Thomas: The mail, father. We have wait for you.  
  
Mel: Oh, you can.  
  
-Thomas and Gabriel run toward the post-  
  
Gabriel: Firsst!  
  
Thomas: Give me my letter!  
  
Gabriel: Thergh aren't andy lectters vor yough.  
  
Thomas: Oh.  
  
-Mel wears his glasses and checks the post-  
  
Mel: Oh, there is a invite for me.  
  
Gabriel: Pather, Peder Cuppin had joined the coddinentals. Why I'm not?  
  
Mel: Because you're too young. Wait until you'll be seventeen.  
  
Gabriel: Budd I'm eideen!  
  
Mel: They want me to Charlestown. We're leaving tomorrow.  
  
-No answer-  
  
Mel: Hey! Lads, have you heard me?  
  
Thomas: Yes, we are going to Charlestown. I've already read the post. Do you really think that I would wait for you?  
  
Gabriel: Budd I want to go to the dwar.  
  
Mel: I'm proud of you.  
  
The day later, at Charlestown.  
  
Margaret: Look! There are boats! Aren't they wonderful?  
  
Susan: (Someone help me)  
  
Samuel: I can't wait to see aunt Charlotte.  
  
Nathan: I can't wait to see aunt Charlotte's breasts.  
  
Susan: (God, why am I here?)  
  
Mel: Nathan, you are a very mature boy.  
  
Nathan: Thanks, Father.  
  
Mel: I agree with Nathan.  
  
Margaret: About what?  
  
Mel: Nothing, Maggie.  
  
-They reach Aunt Charlotte's house-  
  
Children: Aunt Charlotte!  
  
Charlotte: Good to see you, lads. Wait a minute, I'm filling my breasts with this silicone...  
  
Mel: (Oh, so this is her secret)  
  
Nathan: (Yak)  
  
Margaret: What's silicone?  
  
Emmerich: CUT! Charlotte, there's no silicone in 1776.  
  
Charlotte: Until now.  
  
Emmerich: Go on, please (God, help me please)  
  
Mel: It's wonderful to see you (and your silicone breasts)  
  
Nathan: Are there any presents?  
  
Charlotte: No. Is not enough that I keep such wild beasts as you in my house??  
  
Mel: Always so nice you are, darling.  
  
Susan: (Fiuuw no stupid dolly this year)  
  
Evening.  
  
Thomas: Oh! Gabriel! Are you?? Gabriel! Look, everyone! That guy down there is my BROTHER!  
  
Gabriel: Hi! (Finally my tongue is healed)  
  
Margaret: Who is he?  
  
Thomas: He's Gabriel!!!!!!!  
  
Margaret: HI GABRIEL! I'M HERE!  
  
Gabriel: Hi! (God, what stupid brothers and sisters I have)  
  
-Gabriel sees Anne Howard-  
  
Gabriel: (Uh, there is Anne!) Hi Anne.  
  
Anne: Shush, stupid! I'm listening to my Father.  
  
Peter Howard: King George cuts off my leg.  
  
Gabriel: Cool.  
  
Anne: Oh, Father! He's right, he is not?  
  
Gabriel: Oh, of course. Do you remember that I'm the one who put ink in your tea when you were eleven?  
  
Mrs Howard, hitting him with her bag: GO AWAY! PORK!  
  
Anne: Shush, Mum, Father is talking again.  
  
Gabriel: (What an exciting life)  
  
Charlestown again.  
  
Judge: I don't know who I am, but I'm here to do the most boring scene of this movie.  
  
Man, standing up: I disagree!  
  
Judge: Do you think that this scene is exciting?  
  
Another man: I disagree!  
  
Judge: God, help us. We are here to discuss about something, but because I'm really boring, let's talk Captain Something from the blue coats and let's listen what he has got to say.  
  
-Harry stands up-  
  
Harry: Thanks very much, Judge. (Fuck you) Well, I'm not an orator...blah, blah, blah... Bunker Hill, blah, blah, blah, Green Dragoons, blah, blah, blah, England, blah, blah, blah, war...  
  
Judge, yawning: Alright. Let's listen to Benjamin Martin, now.  
  
Harry: I've not finished yet.  
  
Judge: Sit down.  
  
Harry: Anyway, I'm not an orator.  
  
-Mel stands up-  
  
Mel: My wife is dead and I don't know if she's a star or not. My wife's sister has silicone breasts. My oldest son has his tongue burned and my other son read the mail without wait for me.  
  
-People cries-  
  
Judge, sighing sadly: Awful.  
  
Harry: I'd like to know your wife's sister.  
  
Mel: She's here.  
  
Every man in the room, even mr Howard: WHERE???  
  
Charlotte: We are here, indeed.  
  
Judge: We?  
  
Charlotte: Me and my breasts.  
  
-People faint-  
  
Charlotte: Have I said something wrong?  
  
Outside.  
  
Man: Why we are out here while everyone is inside?  
  
Other man: I don't know.  
  
Child: Twenty at twelve!  
  
Everybody: Yuhu!  
  
Gabriel: Yeah! Now I can go to the war!  
  
Mel: I don't think so. You're hurt.  
  
Gabriel: My tongue is okay.  
  
Mel: I won't give you the permission.  
  
Gabriel: To write to Anne?  
  
Mel, sighing: Even if you go, I'm very proud of you.  
  
Gabriel: I hate you, Father.  
  
-Gabriel queues-  
  
-Harry arrives-  
  
Harry: What a fool son you have, Ben.  
  
Mel: Thanks, Harry. He's my pride.  
  
Harry: However... I will assign him to the barns or something like that.  
  
Mel: Thanks.  
  
Harry: (Like father, like son)  
  
The scenery changes: now Charlestown is an English possession.  
  
Tavington: Hello. I'm William Tavington. Pleased to kill you.  
  
Emmerich: Jason! You're not talking in this scene!  
  
Tavington: Look, sometimes may happen that an actor kill the director.  
  
Emmerich, trembling under Tavington's icy glance: A-Alright. As you wish.  
  
Tavington: Good. Now I'm descending the stairs with this fat, old and stupid man of Lord Cornwallis'. But in the next scenes you will know me. Ah, there's another thing. I'm really an hot guy.  
  
Lady: That's right.  
  
Tavington: And who are you?  
  
Lady: The writer.  
  
Tavington: Cool.  
  
At Martin's farm.  
  
Mel: It's such a good thing and a wonderful hobby to seed the fields. Oh, look! My sons are running toward a bloody river! I'm so proud of them!  
  
Nathan, seeing the river: Cool! Would you like a bath?  
  
Samuel: Good idea!  
  
At the porch.  
  
Thomas: I'm reading Gabriel's letter.  
  
Margaret: Oh, it's so exciting!  
  
William: Yawn.  
  
Thomas, reading: "Pray for me but above all pray for the cause".  
  
Susan: (What the Hell is the cause?)  
  
Margaret, crying: Oh, I will.  
  
William: (Mental, this one) Yawn.  
  
At dinner.  
  
Nathan: If they take our home, they'll rape Abigale, Margaret and Susan.  
  
Samuel: Why?  
  
Nathan: Because they're women.  
  
Samuel: Abigale, are you a woman?  
  
-Abigale hits both Samuel and Nathan with a frying pan-  
  
Susan: (What means rape?)  
  
In the corridor.  
  
Mel: Yeah, I'm here in the shadow with a pistol to shot everyone would come into my house! I'm really prudent.  
  
-A black shadow enters the house-  
  
Mel: So lucky that I'm just here. And so luckily I have a pistol, too. I'm very proud of myself.  
  
Shadow: It's Gabriel, stupid.  
  
Mel: Oh Gabriel! My son! Get over here.  
  
Gabriel: I can't walk.  
  
Mel: And how can you get here?  
  
Gabriel: Ask the director.  
  
Emmerich: Gabriel is tired to walk, so he falls on the ground.  
  
-Gabriel falls on the ground-  
  
Gabriel: (I'm feeling quite stupid, really) OH! Uh! I'm sooooo wounded!  
  
Mel: Oh God! He's dying! He's dying! Someone help me!  
  
-Margeret arrives-  
  
Margaret: I read your letter, Gabriel. Beautiful. I'd like it very much.  
  
Emmerich: Cut! Margaret, don't say foolish things like that!  
  
-Margaret gets out the room crying desperately-  
  
Gabriel: Oh, I'm really hurt.  
  
Mel: I have to open his shirt.  
  
Samuel: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm frightened!  
  
Mel: Abigale, take the children upstairs. I don't want them seeing this.  
  
Gabriel: I'm dying.  
  
-Amy Lee and the others Evanescence enter Ben's farm-  
  
Amy: I'm dyiiiiiiiiiing prayiiiiiiing bleediiiiiing and screaaamiiiing!  
  
Emmerich: Damn! What are you doing in my movie?  
  
Amy: Now I will tell you what I've done for you...  
  
Mel: Abigale, the Evanescence.  
  
Abigale: Evanescence, come, upstairs.  
  
-The Evanescence get upstairs, still singing-  
  
Margaret: Good song.  
  
Nathan: Good singer.  
  
Gabriel: Fa... fa... ther...  
  
Mel: I'm here, son.  
  
Gabriel: I'm dying, really.  
  
Mel: OH, God. I though that you would be killed by a Green Dragoon.  
  
Gabriel: Really?  
  
Mel: Please! Don't die now!  
  
Emmerich: That's right. How can we go on without Gabriel?  
  
Lady: Oh no! It won't be the famous "Shaving scene".  
  
Emmerich: What's the hell is the "shaving scene"?  
  
Lady: You'll see.  
  
Gabriel: Ok. I won't die now. But I'm still seriously wounded.  
  
Mel: Don't worry. It's just a scratch. I mean... oh no! Your wound is soooo deep!  
  
Emmerich: Can I hang myself?  
  
Lady: No, Roland. Wait until arrives JayJay.  
  
Emmerich: I hope that he will be good.  
  
Lady: He IS good. More than Mel Gibson.  
  
Mel: Hey!  
  
Gabriel: Please... call a doctor.  
  
Mel: Where's my cell phone...  
  
Emmerich: CUUUUUUT! There's no cell phone in 1776.  
  
Mel: Really?  
  
-Gabriel screams desperately-  
  
Mel: I'm here, son, I'm here.  
  
Gabriel: I KNOW YOU'RE HERE BUT DO SOMETHING!  
  
Mel: Yes, of course. I'm going to do something.  
  
-Mel opens Gabriel's shirt-  
  
-Everyone around them vomits on the ground-  
  
Gabriel: That was likeable, people, thanks very much!  
  
Lady: (Poor Anne) Director... can I suggest something?  
  
Emmerich, his face violet: What?  
  
Lady: Can we do a scene like this with Jason? I think it would be more enjoyable.  
  
Emmerich: "The Patriot" is a cruel film, Lady. We can't get in such happy scenes like that.  
  
Lady: Oh. What a rotten luck! (But it would be so exciting!)  
  
Emmerich: Can we go on with the film, now?  
  
Lady: Of course.  
  
Gabriel: Father! I'm still dying!  
  
Mel: Who did this?  
  
Emmerich: (An intelligent question, at last)  
  
Gabriel: They were all around me. They were Green Dragoons.  
  
Mel: Oh my poor son! And you have fight them all alone, haven't you?  
  
Gabriel: (Of course, we were 5 thousand!) Yeah, father...  
  
Mel: And...  
  
Emmerich, yawning: Ok, stop with this scene. It's really boring. Let's go on.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
_______________________________________  
  
No flames, please. This is my first fic!! Hope you all liked it! I'm going to write part 2 when I will have time to do so! In the meantime, bye bye and review, PLEAAAASE! 


	2. Parties, Cell phones and Resurrections

Disclaimer: I don't own The Patriot nor any of the charachters, alas. (As I say in part one, Lady is mine, actually!!! Buahahahah)  
  
PART TWO: PARTIES, CELL PHONES AND RESURRECTIONS  
  
The morning later.  
  
Gabriel: I'm awake.  
  
Emmerich: Can't you say something more interesting?  
  
Gabriel: (Fuck you) Wait a moment, please. I'd like to remind you that I'm seriously wounded.  
  
Emmerich: Alright (God)  
  
-Gabriel looks out of the window-  
  
Gabriel: OH! Bet there's been a party yesterday night! Rotten luck, I wasn't there... There are so many drunk figures on the porch.  
  
Emmerich, his head in his hands: Gabriel, they are wounded soldiers.  
  
Gabriel: Shot up! Let me play my character.  
  
Emmerich: Ok (Fuck you, fuck your mother and your sister)  
  
-Gabriel stands up and gets out the house-  
  
Gabriel: How was the party?  
  
Wounded soldier: Brilliant.  
  
-Gabriel reaches his father, Abigale and his brothers-  
  
Margaret: Hi, Gabriel. How are you?  
  
Gabriel, smiling: I'm still seriously wounded.  
  
Margaret: I will pray for you.  
  
Gabriel: But above all pray for the cause.  
  
Margaret: Of course.  
  
Susan: (Am I the only normal person in this family?)  
  
Mel: My shirt is covered in blood.  
  
Nathan: Cool.  
  
Mel: Abigale! Wash my shirt!  
  
Abigale: I'm busy at the moment.  
  
Mel: What? Busy?  
  
Abigale: I'm calling to my boyfriend.  
  
Mel: Hey! Why she can have a cell phone?  
  
Emmerich: Her role is insignificant.  
  
Abigale: My boyfirend says Green Dragoons are coming.  
  
Mel: What are Green Dragoons? A new type of detergent for my shirt?  
  
Lady: Mel, you suck.  
  
Mel: But now I'm healing these poor soldiers.  
  
Soldier: Hey! Can we see your wife's sister?  
  
Mel: She's far from here.  
  
Soldier: Uff. Abigale, can you do a striptease?  
  
Nathan: We can call Amy Lee for this.  
  
Lady: Nathan, don't importune Amy Lee.  
  
Nathan: I wanna a girlfriend.  
  
Lady: Shush! Jason is coming!  
  
-Green Dragoons appear-  
  
Tavington: What's happening here? There was a party?  
  
Gabriel: Yes, mate.  
  
Tavington: No one can call me "mate".  
  
Gabriel: But who are you?  
  
Tavington: I'm-  
  
Mel: LEAVE US ALONE! DON'T KILL MY FAMILY! STAY AWAY FROM MY SONS!  
  
Tavington: Before that this idiot cut me off-  
  
Mel: NOOOOOO! GET AWAY FROM HERE!  
  
-Tavington points his gun at Mel's chest-  
  
Tavington: Would you like a lesson, Sir, in the rules of war?  
  
Mel: Yeah, why not?  
  
-Tavington shots-  
  
-Mel dies-  
  
Emmerich: CUT!!!! Jason, what have you done? You've just killed the main character!  
  
Tavington: Yes, I did.  
  
Emmerich: Let's reburn him.  
  
-Mel reburns-  
  
Mel: Where am I?  
  
Tavington: As I was saying, I'm Colonel William Tavington of Green Dragoons. Pleased to kill you.  
  
Mel: Pleasure is mi-  
  
-Tavington shots and Mel dies-  
  
Emmerich: CUT!  
  
Tavington: I've warned him, this time.  
  
-Mel reburns again-  
  
Mel: Who are you?  
  
Tavington: Stop with these stupid questions. Lieutenant, let's take our wounded soldier to Winnsboro.  
  
Lieutenant: I would, Sir, but I read the script, and there it says that I would die if I try to do so.  
  
Tavington: Right. So I'll kill you now.  
  
-Tavington shots and Lieutenant dies-  
  
Emmerich, nodding and smiling: Good work, Jason. This pathetic film is turning into a cruel one.  
  
Lady: I told you.  
  
Tavington: And now, slaves. If you come with us, you will be free to make bread and no one will eat it until you'll say that he or she can do it.  
  
Abigale: That's GREAT! I'm with you.  
  
Tavington, sneering: I was joking.  
  
Abigale: Oh, no. I'm doomed to made the bread again for the Martin's.  
  
Tavington: That is not right. You'll come with us.  
  
Abigale: And why?  
  
Tavington: I hate people who does too many questions.  
  
-Tavington shots and Abigale dies-  
  
Dead Abigale: Anyway, my role was insignificant.  
  
Tavington: That's right. Well, now, what life have I to ruin?  
  
-Mel whistles softly-  
  
Tavington: Oh, yes. Martin's. But I need an excuse to do so.  
  
Dead Abigale: You didn't in my case!  
  
Tavington: Let me see...  
  
Soldier: Rebel dispatches, Sir.  
  
Tavington: Excellent, soldier.  
  
-Tavington shots and the soldier dies-  
  
Dead soldier: Thanks, Sir.  
  
Tavington: Who carried these?  
  
-No answer-  
  
Tavington: WHO THE HELL WAS THE BASTARD WHO CARRIED THESE???  
  
Gabriel: I did, Sir.  
  
Tavington: Very good.  
  
-Tavington shots and Gabriel dies-  
  
Tavington: Good work, boy.  
  
Emmerich: (I think it's better not to stop him... he has a gun in his hand and he's in a very foul mood)  
  
Lady: I love rude men.  
  
Tavington, smiling at her: Look. There is a pretty girl over there. I think I have to take her...  
  
Emmerich: (Take her????)  
  
Tavington: I mean, take her with me.  
  
Lady: Yes, take me, Colonel. Take me now.  
  
Nathan: At least she hasn't got silicone breasts.  
  
Mel: That's right.  
  
Emmerich: (I haven't planned a love story between Tavington and a girl, but I realize that it's an excellent idea)  
  
Mel: However... NOOOOOOOO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! YOU'VE KILLED MY BURNED- TONGUED SON!  
  
Tavington: Yeah, that's right. I'm really rude and pityless.  
  
Mel: You have to pay for that!  
  
Tavington: How much?  
  
Mel: What?  
  
Tavington, rising his eybrows: Wait a minute. I'm loading my pistol, you know.  
  
Mel: Do you want to kill another son of mine?  
  
Tavington: Oh, you've just gave me a very good idea.  
  
Mel: Who will be the next???  
  
Thomas: Not me, surely.  
  
Tavington: No?  
  
-Tavington shots and Thomas dies-  
  
Dead Thomas: Did I died well?  
  
Emmerich: Pretty good.  
  
Dead Thomas: Good.  
  
Mel, swimming in the air: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Tavington: Let's show my icy eyes and my icy glance.  
  
Lady: Ohhhh.  
  
Margaret: Look! There are Thomas' little soldiers over the ground.  
  
Mel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Margaret: Yes, they're are over here indeed. Look.  
  
Mel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Margaret: YES!  
  
Mel: My son! My son! He's dead.  
  
Tavington: Stupid boy.  
  
Lady: Oh, so rude you are.  
  
Tavington: I know, darling.  
  
Mel: Tavington, I'll kill you.  
  
Emmerich: Not yet.  
  
Tavington: You never will.  
  
Emmerich: In the end yes.  
  
Tavington: I said: YOU NEVER WILL.  
  
Emmerich: Ok, ok.  
  
Tavington: What have I to do, now? Oh, yes... fire the house and barns. Destroy the livestock. Save the horses for the Dragoons.  
  
Dead lieutenant: And what about the rebel wounded?  
  
Tavington: Lieutenant, have I to remind you that you're dead?  
  
Dead lieutenant: Sorry, Sir.  
  
Tavington: Keep quite, please, when I'm killing. Anyway, someone kill the rebel wounded.  
  
Rebel wounded: Hey!  
  
Lady: Shush, stupid!  
  
Tavington: Take this stupid girl with us.  
  
Lady, smiling: Oh, no! Leave me alone! Please, don't hurt me!  
  
Tavington: I'm sorry, stupid girl.  
  
Lady: I'm so sad.  
  
Nathan: Don't worry. I will save you!  
  
-Tavington shots and Nathan dies-  
  
Lady: Stupid boy.  
  
Mel: Hey! How can I kill the redcoats without my son?  
  
Tavington: This is a problem of your own.  
  
Lady: Ahahahah!  
  
Tavington: Come, stupid girl, come on my horse.  
  
Lady, laughing: Oh, no, please, don't do this to me!  
  
-Tavington helps Lady to mount on his horse and then they run away-  
  
TO BE CONTINUED......  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
Thanks very much to Burner of Rum and ShvrMeTmbrs05 for reviewing!!!!!!! This second part is dedicated to you!!!!! I'm glad you liked it, hope you enjoyed this second part, too!! Keep reviewing! I'm writing part three, in the meantime! Hope I'll submit it shortly. Thank you very much!  
  
Colonel_Tavington's_Lady 


	3. Good Spots, Lovers and New Members

Dislaimer: I don't own the Patriot, but if you want to pay me for writing it, it's okay!!! (Actually I get no money... Oh, by the way... LADY IS MINE!!!)  
  
PART THREE: "GOOD SPOTS", LOVERS AND NEW MEMBERS  
  
Mel: Alright. Samuel, Nathan, come with me. Margaret, you'll take William...  
  
Tavington: Yes? Has anybody called me?  
  
Mel: No, sorry. I was just talking with my daughter, you know.  
  
Tavington: Don't dare to interrupt me in this moment!  
  
Mel, looking puzzled: Why? What are you doing?  
  
-laughs and movements from behind a bush-  
  
Mel, swallowing: Oh. Alright... er... Margaret, darling, run away from here...  
  
Glirlish voice from behind the bush: Oh, yes!! Tavvie, yes!  
  
Dead Nathan: Ehy!  
  
Margaret: What are they doing, father?  
  
Mel: Oh, nothing, Maggie, nothing. Listen to me, hide in the fields with William and...  
  
Tavington: What?  
  
Mel: NOT YOU!!!! My son!  
  
Lady: Calm down, boy!  
  
Mel: Alright, let them be. Now, I have to bear Thomas.  
  
Dead Nathan: And me.  
  
Emmerich, crying: (Why didn't I do the doctor as Mother always told me...?) No, Nathan. You're alive. Reburn, please.  
  
-Nathan reburns-  
  
Nathan: Ok, Father. Now, let's go and shot those motherfuckers!  
  
Samuel: No... I don't want to... I'm afraid... ueeeeh!  
  
Mel: Good, sons. I'm so proud of you. Now I have to go into the house.  
  
Margaret: But Father, there's just ash, now. Look!  
  
Mel: Don't worry, children. I'll be back.  
  
Susan: (I'm worry if he DOES come back)  
  
Samuel: Ueeee!  
  
In the "good spot".  
  
Mel: It's a good spot.  
  
Nathan: Yes, the title has already say it.  
  
Mel: Boys, listen to me. Can you tell the difference between the officers and the others?  
  
Samuel: Ueeeee!! I want Mother... I'm afraid...  
  
Mel: Exactly. Very good, lads. Now I'm going to hide behind a tree, farther away from here.  
  
-The Evanescence appear on the top of a tree-  
  
Amy Lee: I see you theeeeeeere! Fartheeeeeer awayyy!  
  
Samuel: Nooooo! Don't leave us alone!!! I can't shot!  
  
-Nathan hits Samuel and he falls on the ground, lifeless-  
  
Nathan: Yes, Father. Do not worry.  
  
Mel: I'm so proud of you.  
  
-Recoats approach-  
  
Dead Lieutenant: Ahahaha so beautiful is this road. What's was written on the script, soldier?  
  
Soldier: Sir, it says that soon we will be...  
  
-The Dead Lieutenant falls, killed for the second time-  
  
Soldier: ...attacked.  
  
Other soldier: To the right!  
  
Another soldier: To the left!  
  
Umpteenth soldier: No, to the right!  
  
Other soldier: Idiot! I said to the the left! Are you blind?  
  
-Other soldier dies-  
  
Umpteenth soldier: I told...  
  
-A shot kills him-  
  
Dead Umpteenth soldier: ... you.  
  
Mel, getting out from his hiding place: UAAAAAAAH!  
  
Soldier: And who the hell is this one?  
  
Another soldier: I dunno. Let's kill him, to be sure.  
  
Mel: NOOOOO! STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY!!  
  
-Med throws a bomb and everyone dies-  
  
Emmerich:CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTT!!!!! There's no bomb in 1776!!  
  
Mel: And you, too!!!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY SONS! NOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Emmerich: (Actors, these days) Alright. Sorry. It's just that I'm the director, you know, so I just wanted to say...  
  
Mel: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! DON'T DO ANYTHING TO THEM!!! LEAVE THEM ALONE!!  
  
Emmerich: Alright (someone call the police, please!)  
  
Mel: WHERE IS MY SON?????  
  
Martin's sons, even Dead Thomas: Which of us?  
  
Emmerich, cutting his veins with a razor: Yes, go on. Go on like this, it's perfect.  
  
Mel: MY SON!! Dear Gabriel... come over here! My GOOD son!  
  
Gabriel, whispering to a British soldier: Please, take me away! I don't want to go back... I'm frightened!  
  
British soldier, looking at him with love: Don't worry, Gab. You're safe, now.  
  
Gabriel, confused: (Gay, this one)  
  
-Mel appears before them with an axe-  
  
Mel, clentching his teeth: Ah... so here you are.  
  
Gabriel: AAAAH!  
  
British soldier, pointing his gun at Gabriel's temple: No, you're never going to free him! He's mine!  
  
Mel: (?)  
  
Gabriel: (?)  
  
Dead Emmerich: (??)  
  
Mel: Alright... you're dead!  
  
-Mel throws his axe toward Gabriel and the British soldier-  
  
Dead Emmerich: Ah, this scene is wonderful. Everyone is wondering: "Oh no! And if Mel misses his target and hit his son?" Yes, I'm such a good director.  
  
-Mel's axe hits Gabriel on his forehead-  
  
Lady, from behind a new bush: Cool.  
  
-Mel reaches Dead Gabriel and start to hit him with his axe thousands of times-  
  
British soldier, confused: (Am I still alive? Amazing)  
  
Tavington, staring depressed at Mel: (Wasn't I the butcher?)  
  
Dead Gabriel, irritated: Thanks, father... now, hit me one more time, just to be sure I'm dead, you know...  
  
Dead Abigale, gazing at Mel's shirt: (Oh, no! More shirts to wash!)  
  
At the Dragoon's Encampment.  
  
Bordon: Sir, this is the private who...  
  
-Tavington shots him-  
  
Tavington: Shut up, you idiot.  
  
Dead Bordon, looking lovingly at him: (So sexy he is!)  
  
Lady: Hey!!!!  
  
Tavington: Private.  
  
-No answer-  
  
Tavington: PRIVATE!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!! IDIOT!!!! SHIT PRIVATEEEEE!  
  
-Tavington shots him-  
  
Dead private: Hello, Colonel. Nice to see you again.  
  
Dead Bordon: (Hey!)  
  
Dead Emmerich: (All the British are gay in this film??)  
  
Lady, dreamily: Not my Jason.  
  
Tavington: Damn! Tell me who attacked you this morning.  
  
Dead private: It was all around us. Amongst us. We can barely see him, and then he was gone.  
  
Tavington: Very good. Die well.  
  
Dead private: See you!  
  
Dead Bordon: Bet the man who attacked them was a Ghost.  
  
Tavington, yawning: Very interesting. Bordon, take a patrol and catch this Ghost.  
  
Dead Emmerich, smiling: (In the end, the movie is turning exciting)  
  
Lady: Excuse me, Emmerich. Can you reburn, please? It's so annoying to write "Dead Emmerich" everytime you speak.  
  
Dead Emmerich: Alright, Lady, sorry. I didn't meant to die, you know.  
  
-Dead Emmerich becomes "Emmerich"-  
  
Lady: Thanks, Emm. And... JayJay, darling... you can go on.  
  
Tavington: About time, my lady.  
  
Dead Bordon: Sir, this is Captain Wilkins.  
  
Wilkins: Hello everyone! I'm Captain Wilkins, and I'm very... very cruel, you know... I'm so frightening! Buuuh!  
  
-Tavington kills him-  
  
Dead Wilkins: Oh, Sir. Nice to meet you, Colonel Tavington.  
  
Tavington: Fuck you.  
  
Dead Wilkins: Thanks, Sir! I'm so excited about starting my work amongst the Green Dragoons! We are so cruel, are we not?  
  
Tavington: Bordon, do you realize what kind of people did you invite to join us? WHO THE HELL IS THIS FOOL??  
  
Dead Bordon: So nice you are when you're angry, my dear.  
  
Emmerich: Yak!  
  
Tavington: Captain Wilkins, where do your loyalties lie?  
  
Dead Wilkins: To King and Country, Sir.  
  
Tavington: What country, Captain?  
  
Dead Wilkins, smiling: I don't know, Sir. This is what was writing in the script.  
  
Tavington: (Pity I have already killed him...)  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. ____________________________________________________________________________ ___  
  
First thing, I wanna thank you my reviewers! I love you guys! I'm so happy y'all like it. Hope ye'll enjoy this third part, too!!!!! This third part is dedicated to Daroga's Rainy Daae, Tristan2 and the-pez- flute-horse, who reviewed the second one. Thank you so much and sorry for the long time in which I posted it. Ye know, I'm so busy with school stuff and things of that sort -_- But I hope I'll write the fourth part soon!!! Keep reviewing, guys! ^_^  
  
Colonel_Tavington's_Lady 


End file.
